Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain  works? Well....it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:

Women are chatting in office.



Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?



Woman 2: Yes.



Woman 1: Was it good?



Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?




Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!








At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.



Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?



Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?




Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

A guy is put before the judge's bench because he is on trial for paying a prostitute for sex. "How do you plead?" asks the judge, to the defendant.




"Not Guilty, your honor."




Showing him a videotape of the alleged act, the prosecutor responds, "How can you possibly convince the court of your innocence, if we have both the sex act, plus your subsequent payment to the alleged prostitute right here on tape?"




"Easy," says the defendant, "I'll admit to the court that although I wasn't engaged in an act of prostitution, I was committing another 'heinous' crime ... Gambling."




"Gambling?" responds the prosecutor. "How so?"




"Well you see," answers the defendant, "I went up to the young lady earlier that night as she was working in a topless bar and said to her, 'I'll bet you $200 that you don't get to have sex with me tonight.' That videotape is just footage of me losing the bet!"

A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up.

The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up.

So the doctor asked her, "Where shall I put the thermometer?"

The girl replied, "...uh ...not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it."

"Okay...let's try your armpit." the doctor suggested.

"Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried.

"Okay then," so he put the thing in the girls butt.

Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "that's not my butt, Doc!"

The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer, either."

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box ."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that, You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"'

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots. I have taught them to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will also learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Jack. Our prayers have been answered!"

• This week is Breast Awareness Week. Spread the slogan: We stare because we care!

• Teacher: Soch or Veham me kya fark hai..? Pappu: Aap ki Beti Sweet & Sexy hai… Ye hamari Soch hai or wo hamare hathon se Bach jayegi ye Aap ka Veham hai.

• LESBIAN kisko kehte hain? - 2 kamini ladkiyan, Jo mard ko khush nahi dekh sakti!

• 70 ways to make a woman happy: No. 1 is shopping & the rest is '69'.

• Marwari 2 prostitute: I'll pay double if u let me do it in Marwari style. She agrees. After sex, she asks: What's Marwari style? , Marwari payment after 90 days!

• You wanna come to my place for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?!

• Define Rape with the help of one good example? - Rape is a very-very difficult Job, For e.g.. It is like playing GOLF with a continuously moving HOLE!

• Response during sex:
Mistress: Wow ! Darling this is great.
Whore: Come on finish it now.
Girlfriend: Ah! Please slowly.
Wife: Ceiling needs painting !

• Height of being Realistic: An actress being fucked by a producer widout using a condom saying that she has 2 play the role of a Pregnant lady in his next film!

• Knowledge is like ur underwear... U should have it, but not show it off & most important, while having sex, keep ur knowledge aside!

Two teenaged brothers were arguing with each other very strongly. The issue was who knows better and more about the sex.


The elder brother of seventeen gives a challenge to his fourteen year old younger brother. He says that I will ask you a basic question about sex and if you reply it correctly, then only I will admit that you know better and more about sex than me.

“O.K. Done.” Please ask." said the younger of fourteen.


Elder brother asks his younger brother, “Tell me, how many testicles we have, taken both of us together?”

Younger replies instantly, “It’s so easy, Four”.


The elder one says, “Wrong. I have only one.”

Younger one replies, “But I have three, what about that.”

There were two beggars sitting under the bridge for many years. There was no change in their fortune. Once God went to them and gave them three eggs each. God told both of them that “They have to express their each wish and then drop the egg to the floor and the wish will be true.”

Both were happy. First one used all the eggs and got wealth, health and wife and started living very happily.

Once he was passing the same bridge and to his surprise he saw his old friend second beggar still begging under the bridge. First beggar was surprised he stooped his car and went up to him.

Rich Beggar, “Dear what is this. You are not changed at all. Did you not use those three eggs?

Poor Beggar, “Yes dear. I used all the three eggs but still I am as it is.”

Rich Beggar, How come? I used all of them and see toady I am rich, healthy and family man.”

Poor Beggar, “What to tell you?” You know I was fond of sex and sex only. I dropped the egg and wished Maximum possible ‘Instruments’ to me. My wish was through and my entire body had many instruments, where ever possible on my body.

Rich Beggar, “ My God. Then?

The Poor Beggar, “It was horrible experience. I was looking like animal hanging instruments to all my body.”

“So I immediately dropped the second egg and wished’ O’ God. Take away these instruments from my body.”

“The wish was through and all the instruments hanging to my body vanished. But with this I had a grave problem. I lost my original instrument also due to this wish.”

Rich Beggar, “O, God. It must be unfortunate and horrible. Then what you did?”

Poor beggar, “I had no option but to drop the third egg and wish “Get me back my original instrument and that is how I lost all the three eggs. Naturally. I am on the same begging spot.”

Poor Beggar “My sad story does not end hear. Since I asked for my original instrument I got it back as of when I was born. It’s of no use dear. I have lost everything.”

Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual activities. The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.

The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night, when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her two legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic but she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck that way with her butt sticking straight up in the air.

It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

"Gladys!" he

Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection, either."

The young Swedish au pair had been working for the Schmitt's for more than a year. While hardworking and efficient, she still struggled with English.


One day, she told Mrs. Schmitt that she had received good news from her boyfriend Sven. "He is coming to visit me from army next week!"


"That's wonderful," the woman replied. "How long is his furlough?"


"Oh," the young woman said, blushing, "About as long as Mr. Schmitt's. Just a little thicker."

A recent study found out which days men prefer to have sex.


It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with the letter 'T'...


Examples of those days are:

Tuesday

Thursday

Thanksgiving

Today

Tomorrow

Thaturday

and Thunday

I'll tell you a short poem;

I'll try to make it quick.

The subject is quite simple:

The joy of having a dick.


Penises are super things;

You ladies should be jealous.

An organ surrounded by senditive skin

That's smooth and rarely hairless


It starts to grow dramatically,

When you're about thirteen.

Your testicles on either side;

Your willy in between.


It dangles neatly down below;

Soft, obedient and loyal.

At the slightest hint of lust,

It's ready to uncoil.


It often has a mind all of its own;

It's like a wild untamed beast.

It squirms and writhes and stretches out;

When you expect it least.


Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves;

Erecting when it shouldn't.

A bumpy train ride sets it off;

Just when you wish it wouldn't.


And during the summer,

wearing little, sunning on the beach

The slightest sight of shaking boobs

And to cover up you'll have to reach.


Handle it with love and care;

For it can give great pleasure.

Has it grown since last weekend?

And when did you last measure?


Some people fret about its size;

They give it lots of thought.

Is seven inches long enough?

It makes guys quite distraught.


They peek across in uninals,

To compare and try to see

But if another glances back at them

Theres no way that they can pee.


Masturbating is a sin;

That's what some folk believe.

But those are just old wives' tales;

Cuz it really can relieve.


Without this fabulous organ,

No shag would be complete.

Lesbians will try their best;

But must admit defeat.


It has two main bodily functions

I'm sure you'll all agree

To start a whole new life

And of course, daily to pee.


But I think the thing that's marvelous;

About that one eyed brute

Is that when its trying to procreate,

It knows which fluid to shoot.


And always it remains with you;

Until you're old and frail.

Don't take it out in public though,

Or you'll be thrown in jail.


And so to summarize I'd say with certaintly

That every male loves his little friend

But girls, no matter what we do,

Please don't fold, spindle mutilate And NEVER NEVER Bend!!!

Bicycle handle grips.


French tickler animals.


Shower caps for people with tiny heads.


Put one on a lightbulb for mood lighting.


Fill one with helium and tie a note to it.


Get 1000 and make a submarine.


Put one over the showerhead to surprise Dad.


Put 'em on your cat's feet to keep it from climbing the curtains.


Blow a bunch up and tie them to the cars outside a wedding.


Put one on your nose and be Bobo the clown.


Water wings for those non-swimmers.


Use 500 of them to spell out "We Want Women!!" on your house.


Jello molds.


Finger puppets.


A wind sock.


Use as a bobber when fishing.


Put them on soda cans to keep the fizz in when you're not drinking it.


Practical joke: Put one on an exhaust pipe.


Suspenders.


Recycle as a Burger King ketchup baggie. (or would mayonnaise be better?)


Small animal muzzle.


Put them on your fingers & play proctologist.


Put them on your toes to make swimfins.


Draw eyeballs on them and make funny glasses.


Automatic door closing devices.


Have 'water' balloon fights.


Glue a bunch together and use to replace silicon breast implants.


Freeze them for an all-natural popsicle.


Glue several together and sell as a "Stretch Man" toy.


Use for a Xmas stocking stuffings for those that screwed you.


Ear/nose plugs.


Use 365 of them to make into a tire, and call it a "Good Year".


Replace those old "Dr. Scholls" shoe cushions.


Feed them to your pet iguana, Clyde.


Paint scales on them & put them in a fishtank.


"I challenge you to a duel!"


Drain plugs.


Put them in with your tax return.


Go see "Saturday Night Fever" and throw them at the screen.


Punching bags.


Hang them on the blades of a ceiling fan.


Send 69 of them to your ex-girlfriend.


Novelty key rings.


Hang them all around your windshield like dingle balls.


Spell "Happy Birthday" on a cake.


Break out your paints and make wax fruit.


Glue them on your nipples and try to swing them in opposite directions.


Make a patch work "water" bed.


Put your money in one. Nobody will steal it!


Stick one on the bridge of your nose and run around saying "Gobble Gobble".

The Excedrin Penis: It's tthhhhiiiiiiissss big.


The Snickers Penis: It satisfies you.


The Magnavox Penis: Smart. Very Smart.


The Life Call Penis: It's fallen and it can't get up.


The American Express Penis: Don't leave home without it.


The Tootsie Roll Pop Penis: How many licks DOES it take...?


The M&M penis: melts in your mouth, not in your hand


The lucky charms penis: They're magically delicious


The Energizer penis: it keeps going and going


The right guard penis: anything less is uncivilized


The Cambells soup penis: mmm mmm good


The Kix penis: kid tested, mother approved.


The McDonald's penis: over 8 billion served.


The Tombstone penis: what would you like on your penis?


The Ragu penis: comes out chunkier than the rest.


The Cobain penis: it blows itself away.


The All State penis: you're in good hands.


The 7-Up penis: the UN-penis.


The Barq's penis: the one with bite.


The beef penis: it's what's for dinner.


The Bud Lite penis: great taste, less filling.


The Transformers penis: it's more than meets the eye.


The Twizzler penis: it makes mouths happy.


The Sega penis: PENIS!


The Starburst penis: the juice is loose.


The Timex penis: takes a lickin and keeps on.......


The Burger King penis: have it your way


The Flintstone's vitamins penis: 10 million strong and growing


The Wendy's penis: where's the beef?


The Lays penis: Betcha can't eat just one.


The Matthew Sweet penis: 100% fun.


The Little Caesar's penis: Penis!! Penis!!


The Mortal Kombat penis: nothing can prepare you.


The Bounty Penis: The quicker picker-upper.


The Street Fighter II penis: Matt, stop, you're getting too good at this.


The Domino's Pizza penis: delivers in 30 min. or less


The Monty Python penis: "isn't awfully nice to have a penis"


The Monty Python penis II: "every sperm is sacred...."


The Rice Krispies penis: what does your penis say to you?


The Extra penis: lasts an extra extra extra long time


The Charmin penis: Don't squeeze the penis!


The Beatles penis: now a quarter smaller than it used to be.


The Oasis penis: thinks it's the Beatles penis.


The Windows '95 penis: If you ask it to do too much, it'll crash.


The Virginia Slims penis: you've come a long way, baby.


The Secret penis: strong enough for a man, ph balanced for a woman.


The Micro Machines penis: a whole world, in the palm of your hand.


The Sanka Penis: Good to the last drop


The Payday Penis: Its almost totally nuts!


The yellow pages penis: Let your fingers do the walkin.


The Reese's penis: How do you eat your penis?


The Beavis penis: Look! it's changing color

Barbie isn't just for little girls anymore. These dolls are for adults, too. Check out some of the new, adult Barbies!


Rug Burn Barbie: Comes with raspberries on knees and buttocks.


Lactating Barbie: To be released nine months after Rug Burn Barbie.


Butch Barbie: Comes with short hair and big fingers.


Strap on Barbie: To be used with Butch Barbie.


Backdoor Barbie: Comes locked in one position with small bottle of K-Y Jelly.


Crack Whore Barbie: Comes with track marks, cold sores, and matted hair.


Body Piercing Barbie: Comes with nipple rings and optional labia rings (also available in two-pack with Crack Whore Barbie).


Oral Barbie: Comes with a permanent expression of surprise.


Pony Girl Barbie: Comes with a cute little tail on her ass and a bright red harness. Crop sold separately.


Latex Barbie: Comes with several small cans of liquid latex that you can use to paint her body your way.


Smokin' Barbie: Just watch the way she holds that cigarette and smokes! Comes with an optional cigarette holder for even more drama.


Pure Slut Barbie: Her clothes fall off as soon as anyone looks at her.


First-Timer Barbie: Wants you to be her first, no matter how many have come before you.


French Maid Barbie: Dressed in a tiny, frilly French Maid outfit complete with perky hat and gloves. Crotchless panties just beg you to explore her.


Spring Break Barbie: Comes with short-shorts and T-shirt coverup that she lifts repeatedly to flash everyone and beg for beads.


Hot N Horny Barbie: Comes with micro-mini dress and absolutely no underwear. If you don't believe her, she will show you and beg you to check for yourself.


S & M Barbie: Comes with retractable whip sticking out of her ass plus her own hand and ankle cuffs.

Falcon Codes - a numerical code used to indicate ones displeasure or to pass a rude comment over the radio or messages.801 You've got to be shitting me.

802 Get off my f---ing back.

803 Beats the shit out of me.

804 What the f---.

805 I hate this f---ing place.

806 It's so f---ing bad, I can't believe it.

807 This place sucks.

808 F--- you very much.

809 Lovely, simply f---ing lovely.

810 That damn club.

811 Beautiful, just f---ing beautiful.

812 F---, shit, piss.

813 Hair pie, fur burgers.

814 I just got screwed.

815 Big f---ing deal.

816 Hang it in your ear.

817 Get bent.

818 DILLIGAS (Do I Look Like I Give A Shit?).

819 I don't give a shit.

820 Merry F---ing Christmas.

821 F--- it, just f--- it.

822 Hot shit.

823 Bitching.

824 Tell someone who gives a shit.

825 Don't get f---ing wise.

826 I don't give a f---.

827 Pardon me, sir, you obviously mistook me for someone who gives a shit.

828 I didn't design the f---ing thing. I just bought the f---ing thing.

829 Your ass sucks wind.

830 It won't f---ing work.

831 Go pound sand up your ass.

832 F--- off.

833 Who called this f---ing meeting.

834 FUBAR (F---ed Up Beyond All Repair).

835 Unf---ing Believable.

836 Adios mother f---er.

837 F--- you.

838 No shit.

839 No f---ing shit.

840 Go to hell.

841 Ho, f---ing, ho.

900 Cool it.

902 I'm free this weekend.

903 Take your time. I don't want to be stuck with this ass for lunch.

904 Help me dump this mother.

905 Let's ball at lunch.

906 I'm free tonight.

907 Tied up with wife/husband tonight.

908 Call me at home to come back to work.

909 Call back later. My wife/husband is listening.

910 Let's take off sick together.

911 Meet you at the motel.

912 Let's snag them for tonight.

913 Can't do better for now. At least they'll be a fill in.

914 Let's trade balling partners.

915 Is he/she available?

916 Muddy field. Couldn't play.

917 SNEAK (Situation Normal All Fucked Up).

918 Bullshit.

919 This frigging thing.

920 Tall boy day.

921 Joint session.

922 You pecker.

923 Cocks---er.

924 Plain obscene.

925 Nice ass.

926 If you can't take a joke, f--- ya.

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by dousing with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Yes" = No

"No" = Yes

"Maybe" = No

"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry

"We need" = I want

"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now

"Sure... go ahead" = I don't want you to

"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

"We need to talk" = I need to complain

"You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think about?

"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs

"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house

"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep

"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive

"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like

"I'll be ready in a minute" = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

"Is my butt fat?" = Lie to me

"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me

"Are you listening to me!?" = [Too late, you're dead]

"Do what you want." = You'll pay for this later

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe"...


Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.


Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.


Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm."


Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.


Before unsafe sex, think to yourself what the kids will look like.


Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use.


When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance.


Before fellating anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"


Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape.


You CAN get it from kissing... tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact.


To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.


If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out before hand to hope for the best.


Before the use of condoms, unroll completely and check for any holes.

1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.


2.Nothing improves with age.


3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.


4.Sex has no calories.


5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.


6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.


7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.


8.No sex with anyone in the same office.


9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.


10.A man in the house is worth two in the street.


11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.


12.Virginity can be cured.


13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.


14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.


15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-


Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?



Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.


Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,






Rosie. At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO". Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:






PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.







I love you! Your loving daughter,




Rosie

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don`t try to fool me because I can tell the difference."



The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."



The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don`t want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"



Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that`s the real thing."



A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that`s really far out what you can do. Try this one."



The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!"



The drunk`s eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman

If you don't, you are not a man



If you praise her, she thinks you are lying

If you don't, you are good for nothing



If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp

If you don't, you are not understanding



If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring

If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing



If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy

If you don't, you are a dull boy



If you are jealous, she says it's bad

If you don't, she thinks you do not love her



If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her

If you don't, she thinks you do not like her



If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait

If she is late, she says that's a girl's way



If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time"

If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"



If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold

If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage



If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics

If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction She is a woman



If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting

If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring



If you talk, she wants you to listen

If you listen, she wants you to talk




In short:

So simple, yet so complex

So weak, yet so powerful

So damning, yet so wonderful

So confusing, yet so desirable... ...

What happens to the Lipstick used by the ladies.



5% of the Lipstick is sticked to the cutlery.


25% of the lipstick goes to Tissue Paper & Cotton Tabs at the time of removeing the Make Up.


15% of the Lipstick goes in Drain at the Time of Washing Face & Lips.


10% is Dumpped in the Garbage as Unused.


5% of the Lipstick is found in the Womens Stomach Due to Newer Flavours & Essences.



And the remaing 40% of the Lipstick I Gaurantee you that you will find it in Man's Stomach.

This is pretty neat how it works out.

This is amazing SEX math!

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!

It only takes about a minute.......

Work this out as you read.


Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!

This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun (& it's about sex).


First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have sex .........

(try for more than once but less than 10)


Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)


Add 5. (for Friday Night)


Multiply it by 50 (being a bit stupid)


I'll wait while you get the calculator................


If you have already had your birthday this year add 1753....


If you haven't, add 1752 ..........


Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

(if you remember)


You should have a three digit number


The first digit of this was your original number

(i.e., how many times you want to have sex each week).


The next two numbers are your age.


IMPRESSIVE ISN'T IT?

There is a classroom of some small children (5-7yrs),


With a genius boy ( Bablu ) and a smart one (Pappu).


The dialogue between the two and the teacher goes something like this:


Bablu: "Teacher, teacher! Is Bus male or female?


Teacher : Thinking.... ...


Pappu: "Teacher, teacher! It is female"


Bablu : "Kyon?"


Pappu: "Kyon ki sab log uspe chadte hain."


Teacher is pareshan. While Bablu gets in doubt.


Bablu: "Agar bus female hai aur sab uspe chadte hain to uske bacche kyon nahin hote?"


Teacher is more pareshan.


Pappu: "Kyon ki sab us par peeche se chadte hain."


Teacher is now hiding her face.Bablu gets another doubt.


Bablu: "Maana sabhi peeche se chadte hain, but driver aur conductor to aagay se chadte hain. Phir bachche kyon nahin hote?"


Teacher is sweating as it is getting too much to handle.


Pappu replies : "Kyon ki who dono topi pehanke chadte hain."


Teacher faints !!!!!!!

* When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dic.k or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.


* Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.


* A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.


Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'


There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.


* Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.


* There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.


* Virginity can be cured.


* Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.


* Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.


* I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.


* Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.


* A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing.


*Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed' many men still sleep with their wives.

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.


She was thrilled at the speed. 'If I do 250 kph, will you take off your clothes?' he smirked. 'Yes,' said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 250, she peeled off all her clothes.


Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.


'Go and get help!' he cried.

'But I can't! I'm naked and my clothes are gone!'

'Take my shoe' he said 'and cover yourself.'


Holding the shoe over her privates, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, 'Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!'


The proprietor looked at the shoe and fainted..... ..!!!!!!! !!

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.



She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."



The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."





"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am", replied the man.



"How did you know?"



"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."



The man below responded, "You must be in management."



"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"



"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going.You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"



BOTTOM LINE: just imagine the management guys who are basically engineers... no wonder!!!!!

A lady goes on vacation alone to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her.


Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, "What is your name?"


"I can't tell you!" the black man says.


Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"


"I can't because you will make fun of me!" the black man says.


"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.


"Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies.


And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it."


The lady replied, "It's my husband that won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in the Caribbean!"

A young man gets married. After the first night, his friends ask him,

'Hey, how was the night bhai? Somehow you look slightly worried.'


Replied young man 'Oh, everything went fine and I had a very nice time. But at the end, out of habit I gave her Rs.1000!'


'Forget it man, anyway she is your wife and money will be with you only', consoled friends.


'Yeah, that is true. But what worried me is the fact that she immediately returned Rs.200!'

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.


It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"



The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.


The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.


The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Are not you paying attention to me?"


"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they had show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

1) You can GET chocolate.

2) "If you love me you`ll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.


3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.


5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.


7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won`t mind.

8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.


9) The word "commitment" doesn`t scare off chocolate.

10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.


11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12) You don`t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.


13) With chocolate there`s no need to fake it.

14) Chocolate doesn`t make you pregnant.


15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16) Good chocolate is easy to find.


17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.


19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20) With chocolate size doesn`t matter.

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.


He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.


"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?"


With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".


The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he`s a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...".


The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she`s pretty but teachers are just too frigid".


The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher`s husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.



6:00 a.m.

The phone rings it`s the nurse`s husband wanting breakfast. The nurse`s husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.


Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse."


The man sourly replies, "Son, don`t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you`re not sanitary, you`re not sanitary".


Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.



6:30 a.m.

The telephone operator`s husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.


Joe asks," What happened? Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices."


The man sourly replies "Son, don`t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."


Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.



4:30 p.m.

The teacher`s husband called for breakfast. Joe can`t believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.


Joe fearing the worst asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"


The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get it right."

A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.



Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.



Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.



Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?



Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.



Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all. Young cock : O.K. What kind of competition?



Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.



Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.



Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.



Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.



Suddenly, Bang! ...... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"

A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling.


Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.


"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here."


The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.


After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her.


Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant.


"We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."


"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair off of his butt. He won't even wake up."


So the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and sure enough, she's right.


Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his butt.


So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed.


After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again.


The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's corn hole, and again they have sex.


This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side.


Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "I don't mind that you're shagging my wife, but do you really have to use my butthole as your scoreboard?"

Q: What's the difference between cricketers and condoms?
A: Cricketers drop the catches and condoms catches the drops.

Q: What is the difference between riding a bicycle and a woman?
A: Riding a bicycle you fix your ass & move your legs, riding a woman you fix your legs & move your ass.

Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.

Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.

If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits.


An hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife . . .

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"

"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay...

"But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper. .."

A salesman was traveling through the country side, flogging insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.

"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious.

"Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you. And get everyone in the county to buy a case......we will make you rich.

The salesman was delighted.

They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck!

Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed.

"Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?" The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked,

"Doesn't that calf have a mother?

An English anthropologist was doing research in an isolated African village, the tribal chief asked if he would like to attend a trial his people were conducting that afternoon.

"You`ll be surprised," said the chief, "at how well we`ve copied your country`s legal procedures. You see, we have read accounts of many English trials in your newspapers, and incorporated them into our judicial system."

When the Brit arrived at the wooden constructed courthouse, he was truly amazed to see how closely the African court officials resembled those of England. The counsels were suitably attired in long black robes and the traditional white powdered wigs worn by all British jurists. Each argued his case with eloquence and in proper judicial language. But he couldn`t help being puzzled by the occasional appearance of a bare-breasted native girl running through the crowd waving her arms frantically.

After the trial, the anthropologist congratulated his host on what he had seen and then asked,

"What was the purpose of having a seminude woman run through the courtroom during the trial?"

"I really don`t know," confessed the Chief, "but in all the accounts we read in your papers about British trials, there was invariably mentioned something about `an excited titter` running through the gallery."

The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare the body for the undertaker.


Removing his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with the most massive erection she had ever seen.


Unable to take her eyes off it, she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself.


She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her obscene behavior.


"What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse. "I enjoyed it, and HE surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't complain and I can't get pregnant. Why don't YOU give it a try too?"


"Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's dead and second, I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants you."


And so the first nurse left. The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly excited by this massive hard-on and finally climbed on top of it. Just as she was starting to cum, she was astonished to feel the man climax too!


Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock, "I thought you were dead!"

"Lady, I thought I was too," said the man, "until you gave me that blood transfusion."

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. 'If I do 250 kph, will you take off your clothes?' he smirked. 'Yes,' said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 250, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

'Go and get help!' he cried.
'But I can't! I'm naked and my clothes are gone!'
'Take my shoe' he said 'and cover yourself.'

Holding the shoe over her privates, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, 'Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!'

The proprietor looked at the shoe and fainted..... ..!!!!!!! !!

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.

The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... If I go down three inches ... I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches .that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.... "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more....

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh ... If that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly ... And that bear grabs for that fish ... The dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time ~ "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... And that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... Then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...

The bear grabs the fish...

The hunter shoots the bear...

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse...

The mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:

Whenever a fly goes down three inches ....

Some pussy is in serious danger. !!!!!!!.

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.


She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'


She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing


You could say or ask that I would find offensive.'


'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have sex with a nun.'

She responds,


'Well, let's see what we can do about that:


#1, You have to be single


#2, You must be Catholic.


#3, I have to save my virginity, you will have to enter me from behind.

The cab driver is very excited and says,


'Yes, I'm single, Catholic, and I'm happy to enter from behind!'


'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'


The nun fulfills his fantasy, in a way that would make a hooker blush.


But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'


'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to fancy dress party.'

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting over lunch and the conversation turns to their relationships. They decided that night to surprise their men.. All three would wear a black leather bra and thong, stiletto heels, and a mask over their eyes.


A few days later they meet up for lunch.


The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my dreams. I love you." Then we made love all night long.


The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather outfit, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex for hours.


The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. He walked in the door, looked at me and said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins? "

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody."

This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room.

When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror.

After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed. The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her.

He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.

He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.


Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.


Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex, that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window".